August 2007 

The T.I.E.S. That Bind

Developing the Language of Sex

After having children and during the early, busy years of raising them, it's quite a challenge to keep our sex life alive and kicking. This doesn't apply to all parents, but the majority of parents will need to make some adjustments as drains on precious resources such as time, energy and privacy intensify.

The extra pressure that having children can put on a relationship sometimes uncovers, or magnifies, what used to be small or insignificant sexual problems. This can be a good thing because a little frustration provides us with an opportunity, and perhaps the impetus, to start a life-long habit - being able to talk about sex, both when things are going well and when they're not going so well.  However, first we have to develop a way to discuss sex because the western culture we grew up in doesn't encourage an open dialogue about sex and so we're left to figure things out for ourselves, with varying degrees of success. More often than not, we say nothing.

What if you have very different frequency needs? One wants sex every few days, the other is happy with a few times each month. Or your timing is off? One wants sex at night under cover of darkness, the other prefers the bright light of midday. What if he suffers from premature ejaculation (or delayed ejaculation); she takes much longer than he to become aroused? Any one of these discrepancies can cause tremendous misunderstandings, and can engender feelings of resentment, guilt, inadequacy, or rejection. Without knowing how to discuss these discrepancies with kindness and compassion, no wonder we're reluctant to bring the subject up.

Here are some things you can try to become more comfortable on the topic of sex:

·         Plan some private time such as a regular date night. Get out of the house, away from the distractions of parenting, go somewhere you can relax and enjoy one another, and talk about anything except the children.  It will remind you that you are a couple, first and foremost, even though you are parents too. It will gradually allow you to step outside your comfort zone and discuss hotter topics later on.

·         Be positive when bringing up what you see as a sexual problem or frustration. Start with an observation "I notice that we tend to want sex at different times, have you noticed?", or "We seem to have very different needs when it comes to how often we have sex, does that ever bother you?" (You will want to use your own words, but that will give you an idea). Wait for, and listen to the answer. Be prepared to suggest solutions, and ask if your partner would be willing to try them. Ask if there's anything your partner would like to change about your sex life. Ask for suggestions and be willing to try them out.

·         Remember - and remind your partner - that although you may know your body and its needs very well, you would like to learn more from them about their needs. The best way for you to "study" the other is during sex. If you already have an agreement that you can guide your partner to do what it takes to give you greater pleasure, then you avoid the risk of making them feel inadequate or defensive.

·         Plan time for sex. I know that sounds like the greatest passion-killer of all, but you'll find that if you don't plan it, it may not happen very often. Pretty soon, you'll get used to the idea and will jealously guard the scheduled sessions!

·         Acknowledge the things you like most about what your partner does in bed - not only is it a confidence-builder, but it also ensures that you'll get what you like in the future!

Fiona Cattermole, MSW, CPBA, is a Relationship and Parenting Coach. Her mission is to help parents strengthen their relationship at the same time as raising happy kids. She can be reached at fionacattermole@finexex.com, 303.807.1044, if you would like to retain her coaching services, schedule a speaking engagement, or to register for one of her seminars.

Life's Transitions

 Middle School Malaise

The switch from elementary to junior high school coincides with several major changes for young adolescents. Most are in the throes of puberty; they're becoming more self-aware and self-conscious, and their thinking is growing more critical and more complex. At the same time, adolescents are often "in a slump" when it comes to academic motivation and performance.  Researchers at the University of Michigan have studied the transition from elementary to middle school and have found that:

- On average, children's grades drop dramatically during the first year of middle school compared to their grades in elementary school.

- After moving to junior high school, children become less interested in school and less self-assured about their abilities.

- Compared to elementary schools, middle schools are more controlling, less cognitively challenging and focus more on competition and comparing students' ability.

Through this and other similar research, psychologists have discovered a "developmental mismatch" between the environment and philosophy of middle schools and the children they attempt to teach. At a time when children's cognitive abilities are increasing, middle school offers them fewer opportunities for decision-making and lower levels of cognitive involvement, but a more complex social environment. At the same time, numerous teachers have replaced the single classroom teacher and students often face larger classes and a new group of peers.

These factors all interact to make the transition to junior high school difficult for many youngsters. Studies find the decreased motivation and self-assuredness contribute to poor academic performance; poor grades trigger more self-doubt and a downward spiral can begin.

New Learning Environment and New Goals

Elementary schools and elementary teachers often tend to be more task-oriented in their teaching: The goal is to master a certain task such as learning addition or subtraction.  In junior high schools, however, the goal of teaching often becomes attaining a certain grade. Learning is still key, but measuring performance is also part of the equation.

As the goals of the game change, some students adjust and thrive while others do not. Why?  Many psychologists who study childhood education believe that an important key is how children think about their own intelligence and abilities. If a child thinks of his or her intelligence as fixed -- I'm either this dumb or this smart -- he or she will avoid tasks that challenge their ability or risk failure. Instead, they choose to work on problems that they already know how to solve.

Children who think of intelligence as malleable -- they believe they can get smarter if they work at it -- look for challenging tasks and look at failure as a way to learn and improve. These children tend to blame their failures on a lack of effort rather than a lack of ability.

Which Students Do the Best?

According to the research, children who believe that intelligence can change over time made the best adjustment to secondary school; this is true even if these children had low self-confidence. It was actually the high-confidence kids who believed that their intelligence was fixed who had the most trouble making the transition. These kids apparently believed that they should be able to do well because they were smart and that extra effort in order to learn a new skill was not necessary. When "effortless" learning did not take place, these students lost confidence, motivation and interest.

What Can Parents Do?

1. Encourage your child to try new things, learn new skills.

2. Tell them that it is OK to fail and act that way when they do fail.

(c) Copyright 2004 American Psychological Association

Stephanie Smith, Psy.D.
Front Range Psychological Associates